Where would I be without her?

I’ve been feeling dizzy and nauseous for the past two days, but today it kinda got worse. When I was walking to the bus stop from Engelska Parken Campus I felt like my body was moving to the side, when my legs were actually moving forward. For a moment, I thought, I’m gonna faint right there. There was a spark in my head that went down the throat, right to the stomach where I felt a sharp pain. I know there’s nothing wrong with my body, I kept repeating to myself there’s nothing wrong with my body, even though the pain became inevitable. I paused for a while, took a deep breath and continued walking to the bus stop. I continued with my daily life. She taught me that technic, that magic (to heal oneself instantly), though unintentionally. She taught me how to ignore the forces/barriers, internal and external, that stop you from getting what you want, or going where you want. She taught me how to survive, in any place, at any time, when/where you desperately feel that you can’t take it anymore. She taught me my home is nowhere, as much as it is everywhere. I often wonder where would I be without her..
(From my journal, November 16, 2011)

It’s 3 months already, since I arrived in Uppsala. Again and again, I can’t help feeling amazed at how easily our mind adapts itself to new places. Every time I travel somewhere and return back to Uppsala, I feel so connected to the town when I get off the train and walk out of the station. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe not everyone. I’ve known people who have been living in Toronto for years, for some 20 or 30 years (longer than the years they had spent in Sri Lanka), and still do not feel comfortable, still overwhelmed with the temporariness of their being in that place/space. But I was indeed different. It was in Toronto that I realized I can quite easily adapt to new environments, with fewer traumas/struggles. I arrived alone at Toronto Pearson Airport on July 2008, with only a luggage and some 50 Canadian dollars in hand. At the age of 19, it was my first journey too far away from home.., and I wasn’t quite sure if I would ever return in the near future. Even though I was alone, afraid, and anxiety took over me, I survived, of course, with the help of some kind-hearted people.

Adapting is, I think, way more personal. It was a different experience when I came to Sweden. This time, I had enough money (I later realized how powerful money can be when we’re travelling, it can get us into trouble, at the same time, can also get us out of trouble) and credit card (!?), but the bad side was – I didn’t know Swedish so I couldn’t read any signs or any instructions on bus stops, ticket machines, or pay phones. This time, I was very organized and planned out things way ahead (which is sooo out of my nature). I applied for housing as early as possible, figured out how to set up internet with my contact person, bought a second-hand unlocked phone, made a list of the things I have to do during the very first days, and the things I need to buy. I also read tons of information about shopping for groceries, bus passes, banking and other practical issues on the student union’s web page. However, things don’t usually happen according to our plans. Life doesn’t follow our schedule. It has its own plans. I had no one to receive me at the airport in Stockholm, and had to drag two heavy suitcases at late night to find a taxi and to get to my room. There was a nice friend (actually she was my friend’s, friend’s, friend) who picked up the room keys for me and handed them over that late night. I would always be grateful to her. In my room that night, I had nothing to eat. I haven’t eaten anything after the lunch I had at Keflavik airport. I went to bed with an empty stomach. This, wasn’t in my plan!

In the morning, I totally forgot about the breakfast, but rushed to meet my contact person at the international office. I dressed and came out of my room, but had no idea where to go. There was a slope behind our building and I remembered the friend who dropped the keys mentioning about some bus stop down the slope. I walked down, found the bus stop, asked people around if they know how to get to the international office. And there was a girl who was also going there. I stayed close to her and asked her about how to get the bus tickets, but she didn’t know much since she was also an international student. Then there was another girl who told me that I could buy bus passes at the convenience store nearby. And I rushed to the store to buy a monthly pass. I stick with the girl who’s going to the international office and finally met my contact person. She was a wonderful lady, thoughtful and supportive like many other staffs I found at the university. She handed me the welcome package with a mobile SIM and password to connect internet from my room. I walked around the town the whole day with a map, familiarizing myself with the place. I should say, (I’m quite proud of this myself), that I can read/follow maps very well, and I have extraordinary memory when it comes to identifying, or getting used to new places. I just need to get around once, the next day, I could easily track the streets, identify the bus stops, and walk around as if I had been there forever. But I should also admit that Min is so much better than me in following maps and finding places (I thought I was good:-().

The same day, before returning to my room, out of the 13 nations, I randomly picked a nation that was closer to where I was walking, and applied for membership (which I knew I must do sometime sooner.. doing prior research about the place do come in handy at times). Then I had to return home, to Flogsta, but I didn’t know how to get back. I asked the staff at the nation, and while he was explaining to me, two students who overheard our conversation offered to help me since they were also going back to Flogsta. Again, I stayed closer to them and safely arrived back. It was then I realized that I haven’t eaten anything the whole day. The energy I gained from the lunch I had the previous day was already gone, but my mind was too busy that I didn’t pay attention to my body. Fortunately, there’s a supermarket right there in the Flogsta centrum, where I bought some fruits, bread, and butter and returned to my room. Oh, and I also added some money to the Swedish pre-paid SIM card that I got for free from the university. Figuring out the internet connection and phone was the first and foremost thing I wanted to do when I arrived here. Yep, I can survive without food but not without internet/phone. So.., that’s pretty much how I spent my first day in Uppsala, exactly 3 months ago.

Anyways, about adapting to new places.. I think it was the way I was brought up. Our family is quite strange. The relationship we have with each other is stranger. It’s never too sentimental. We are not too attached to each other. We are well aware of our individuality within the unit that’s called a family. We have our own things, own preferences. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss my parents or miss the fights and fun I had with my brother or sister. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sad, or cry when departing them. I still remember the sickening feeling I had when leaving London and akka, few months ago. I missed her the most, when I was trying to adjust to the new life in Toronto. I wanted her to stand by me and say that I’m doing the right thing. Because I wasn’t so sure myself. She never takes decisions for me, but she has always been there, even when I did stupid things and had to face the consequences.. She was always there. And there’s also another woman who I remember every time I get distressed. The extraordinarily strong, courageous woman I call 'amma'. Since my early teenages, I so wished I could be like her, so daring and so bold. She taught me how to be strong, independent, how to ignore the barriers and always do whatever I want. She never taught me how to cook, clean, or to be a nice obedient girl. Preparing me to be a good, responsible ‘wife’ was never in her agenda, that I’m definitely sure. I remember her mentioning once, when I was growing up, that she does not want us to be like her, that she does not want us to get trapped in family life and responsibilities.

All I could say is that she’s not a typical mother one would see in movies, dramas or read in poems, stories. She’s not the kind who would dedicate her whole life for her kids or husband. She’s very conscious about her own life, her own friends, and her own time. The amma I know loves international movies, the Ingmar Bergman kind of movies! We go to the international film festivals together in Colombo. It kinda feels strange to think back now that I did hang out with my mom at many movies, but it was indeed very fun. We did discuss the issues and things on our way back home. Once, there was a Russian film festival organized by the Russian Cultural Centre, and she wanted me to accompany her even though I had my math final exams the next day. The Russian cultural centre is situated in the high security zone of Colombo, with checkpoints and armies everywhere along the roads. Since she cannot speak Sinhala fluently to communicate with the armies, and since the show ends at late night, she preferred to take me with her. When I had an exam! I went anyway. What’s there to study for a math exam? And I’m not a person who studies at the last minute. Even in Toronto, I’m used to watching movies or hanging out the day before the exam. It reduces the tension (a psychological excuse!). And there was also this film screening and discussion organized by ‘Nihari’ on every Full moon poya day (Full moon day is a public holiday in Sri Lanka, yeah every month). We never missed it. If it’s a full moon day, we all know that amma won’t cook, the dinner’s gonna be a take-out, since she’ll be (me too) at the movie screening.

The amma I know is a traveler. I think I inherited the passion to travel from her genes. During the school breaks, 3-times a year, we travel somewhere within Sri Lanka together. Appa is not much into travelling. He is kind of a person who wants firm roots under his feet. He doesn’t like to move to new places, new houses, or travel. But we try to drag him along with us because he is our treasury :-) Well, somebody has to pay for the tours! When amma started to work and receive income, we sometimes traveled without him, he voluntarily stays behind. Amma is interested in Hindu and Buddhist temples and their architecture. I think she was learning some archaeology during her teacher’s training and was excited to visit the places she studied. We once visited the 7 (or is it 9?) prominent Buddhist monasteries surrounding the town of Anuradhapura, climbed a hill covered with thick forest in Kandy to get to a nearly-abandoned Murugan temple (I have no idea from where she heard about it, but it was rather a very small, old temple), got lost in some remote village in Jaffna and stayed in the small huts with a family of estate workers in some rubber estate in South Eastern Sri Lanka. We also visited one of amma’s childhood friends who has been teaching in Nawalapitiya (a beautiful town surrounded by rich, green hills), well again, got lost and had a hard time finding our way to the town. It’s still amazing to think that she traveled everywhere, dragging 3 kids along with her.

Maybe it’s not so surprising, since she’s the same woman who wanted to continue her higher education after having 3 kids (which is not very common as far as I know, among the women of her age). I was 8 or 9 then, and my younger brother was only 4 years old. She finished the training school and soon became a teacher in an underprivileged school in Colombo (This year, she received the ‘best teacher’ award, because for the first time in their school history five of her students have passed the Grade 5 scholarship exam. At least now they recognized the extra time and energy she dedicates to her school and students, which took her away from us). It was not as easy as it sounds. In Colombo, she had no support from the extended family for babysitting or for other practical things, there was nobody, not even our dad, who was never home. He was too busy with developing his career and involving in additional social services (as my mom puts it). And as far as I can remember, there were no proper day care centres in Colombo at that time, even if there were any, probably they were too expensive and unaffordable. She managed everything on her own. I don’t remember how she did it or what she went through, but in the end, I think we all turned out to be alright. We learned to be alone and manage our own things from a very early age.

There’s this one day that I still clearly remember. I was probably 4 or 5 then. I’m not sure how old I was but definitely before I was 6, because we moved to a new house when I was 6. I don’t know where akka and appa was that day. Maybe they were in school. I was asleep that afternoon. So when amma had to go for shopping, she took my baby brother and left me alone at home and locked the door outside. Maybe she thought she would come back soon. And maybe she knew that I’m heck of a sleepyhead (I didn’t change much, even after some 17 years). But strangely, somehow, I woke up in the middle, and was really terrified to find myself alone in the house. The house was dark, it was an early evening, and I couldn’t reach the switch to turn on the lights. I was afraid of the dark but what scared me most was when I found out the door was locked outside. I stood by the window, climbed on a chair to get closer to the window, and cried myself out. I don’t know for how long I stood there crying, but it took a while before amma returned home. I don’t remember what happened after she got home but I’m pretty sure she felt very bad. She never left me alone at home since then. Things didn’t get much better even when she took me with her for shopping. Since she is very health-conscious, she always buys fresh meat/fish, never frozen. For some reason, she never wanted me to come inside the fish/meat market, where they slaughter chickens and all kinds of animals. So she usually asks me to stay at the entrance, watch out for the bags of groceries, and goes inside alone. I hated waiting at the entrance of a super busy meat market alone with grocery bags. I was just a kid, only 8 or 9 years old and it takes her forever to come back.

Anyways, the outcome of all this is that we learned to be on our own, not depending on someone for the very basic things. I think my brother started learning things at a very early age compared to me. He could make perfectly awesome rottis and omelet when he was just 9 or 10. If he was in a good mood, and making rottis, my sister and I would line up in the kitchen to taste them hot from the stove. They were so DELICIOUS, that you can eat them without any side dishes! I’m not exaggerating.., not a bit. He is very close to mom than me or my sister, and picked up many of her techniques. Our mom used to say that the older girls are good for nothing because we don’t usually help her out in the kitchen, but our brother does and keeps her company. Well, not that I was bad. I started hand-washing (we didn’t have a washing machine) my clothes when I was 9 or 10, I guess. Sometimes, akka sneaks her clothes in my bucket, and there were times when I accidentally washed hers too. But then I found out and started carefully inspecting the clothes before washing them:-)

I don’t know why I recollect all these memories now.., maybe I was feeling very melancholic and nostalgic. Maybe there’s something in me that wants to say “I’m sorry”, for the things I’ve done/haven’t done.. Maybe I just want her to know that I can now understand her more than I ever did. I do wish that someday I could take her to the places she wanted to visit, the architectural excellences, the beaches, hills, valleys and waterfalls.. I wish there would come a day when she need not count the prices three times in her head before buying groceries. I also wish that someday, someday in the near future, she would call me once, just once, and realize that I’m not as strong as she thinks I am.

Where would I be without you, amma?